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性工作者的女儿

在我成长的社会里,如果有人摸了我,或者是对我做其他类似于猥亵的行为,这是我的错,因为我没有拒绝他们。
India, Southern Asia

Story by Taniya Yadav. Translated by Lina Bell
Published on June 2, 2022.

This story is also available in GB es it



请注意:本文包含性别暴力、性暴力和自杀行为,可能会令部分读者感到不适。

我叫塔尼亚,24岁。我出生在西孟加拉邦的加尔各答。我的母亲出生在一个很贫穷的家庭,有十一个小孩,三个男孩和八个女孩。我祖父是一个学者 [1],收入微薄,只能勉强撑起这个大家庭。他无法让每个小孩都去上学,所以孩子们只能去做报酬低的体力劳动,比如家政服务。

我的母亲被卖到了孟买红灯区卡马提普拉的妓院 [2],那时她九岁。她嫁给了一个顾客并怀上了我,那时她15岁。我出生一周后,母亲把我留给她的姐妹照顾,又重操旧业。

我小的时候过得很难。我还记得有的时候,我可能要四五天饿着肚子睡觉,喝了水然后强迫自己睡着,基本没有过吃到完整的一日三餐的日子。其他孩子会欺负我,嘲笑我,他们说:“我们不会和你一起玩,谁叫你是妓女的孩子!而且你还没上过学。”

我本来应该去上学的,可是我被送到了附近的市场当童工。我帮卖鱼的人提水,一桶付我两个卢比。不仅如此,他们还会摸我的私处。这一切只是不断地发生,而我不敢告诉任何人。

突然有一天,一个女人来到加尔各答,说她是我的母亲,要带我到孟买去。那时我八岁,我从未见过这个女人,不太敢跟她走。后来,照顾我的姨母过来,向我保证这就是我的母亲,然后我跟她去了孟买。

到达孟买之后,我的母亲带我见了继父,那时候她骗我说这个男人是我的亲生父亲。那时我太小了,相信了她,我也从来没有见过父亲的照片。我发现我还有两个妹妹,她们在上寄宿学校。九岁那年,他们把我送到了由一个叫阿莎·斯坦(Asha Stan)的NGO(非政府组织)运营的收容所。

我记得每天晚上,她都会像要去参加聚会一样出门

 

几年后,我大概是13岁半,母亲把我和妹妹接回了家。但是她只找到了最小的那个妹妹,稍微大一些的失踪了,我们再也没有见过她。

在外面呆了这么久之后,回到家里也是很难的。什么都不一样了。以前我的继父每天都打母亲,我不明白这是为了什么,我也不明白妈妈为什么是妓女。

我记得每天晚上,她都会像要去参加聚会一样出门:亮色的唇彩,闪光的紫色纱丽,珠宝和柔软的头发。她回到家的时候,通常已经喝醉了。我从不敢问她出去做了什么,我们之间从未有过那种普通母亲和女儿的情感联系。

有一天,母亲没有回来。我请继父带我去她工作的地方看看。那里在孟买的火车站旁边,是一个红灯区,我发现我的母亲在一个酒吧里跳舞 [3],同时也是那里的妓女。我震惊不已,我在电影里见过妓女,她们看起来都很坏。那天晚上,我叫妈妈跟我回家,她不愿意。我独自回到家,希望她会回来,她并没有回来。

我感觉自己在重复母亲的人生,我厌倦这一切。

 

然后,家里只有继父和我的妹妹,还有我。他开始每天打我,有时候会强奸我。他威胁我,如果不听他的话,他就对我妹妹做那些事。那时我没有别的选择,我到现在还记得第一次睡在他身边的感觉。

我感觉自己在重复母亲的人生,我厌倦这一切。我想过结束生命,但是我不想让妹妹经历这些。因此,我曾经三次去警察局报案,希望得到帮助。警察们会把我送回家,说这是很正常的家事。有一次他们说:“你现在只有16岁,我们只能在你18岁以后受理你的报案。”然后,他们打给我的继父,他会因为我试图举报他而打我一顿。在被警察拒绝了很多次后,我试图自杀。

但我活下来了。

我很无助,但我并不懦弱。我想要为妹妹而抗争。那时我在孟买一个人也不认识。我不知道能到哪去寻求帮助,也没有钱。然后有一天,我想到了阿莎·斯坦的一个朋友。我向她倾诉了我的经历,然后她告诉我,她和一个叫卡兰提(Kranti)的组织合作过,这个组织专门帮助性工作者的孩子。她给了我卡兰提的创建者罗宾的联系方式。罗宾创建卡兰提就是为了帮助孟买12岁到22岁的性工作者的孩子,或者是其他受到剥削的女性摆脱出身带来的困境,结束她们无法说出的苦难,带来社会上的一些变化。

那天晚上,我一直在想卡兰提的事。我告诉妹妹(她的名字叫梅哈克)我要暂时离开家一段时间,但是我一定会回来的。我需要花点时间为咱们找一个安全的地方。她很害怕我不会回来了,然后哭了起来。她还能怎么办呢?她还只是一个八岁的孩子。

我相信来到卡兰提,见到罗宾的那一天,是我重生的日子

 

2013年六月九日,我离开了家,再也没有回去。这是我人生中最艰难的决定,因为我不得不把妹妹留在禽兽不如的父亲身边。

我相信来到卡兰提,见到罗宾的那一天,是我重生的日子。她带我去见了一位心理治疗师。那时我甚至不知道心理治疗师是做什么的。活了16年,我第一次在别人面前放声大哭。最重要的是,那个人对我说这一切都很正常,不是我的错。

我暗自发誓,我一定要在一年之内把梅哈克带出来。八个月之后,我做到了。

从那时起,卡兰提成了我的家庭,我的居所,我的乐园。它给了我我从前不敢想象的爱和我一直渴望的关怀。我在那里接受了教育和心理治疗。直到今日,我还被过去的创伤折磨着。我无法否认发生过的事。心理治疗告诉我,我只能接受自己的过去,并且向未来出发。

在我成长的社会里,如果有人摸了我,或者是对我做其他类似于猥亵的行为,这是我的错,因为我没有拒绝他们。即使是现在,很多朋友或者身边的人还是会问我,为什么我不告诉别人呢?原因是我很担心别人会胡乱评价我,或者是简单地说这是我的错。

我想要继续分享我的故事。不管有多少人会对我指指点点,说我做错了,我都要坚持这样做,因为我的声音可能会帮到某些人。他们可能和过去的我一样,在沉默的对抗某种磨难。我希望我的故事能像咒语一样,帮到别人。

今天我成为了一名认证尊巴导师,小组协作者,演讲者,并且即将成为一名乘务员。最近我开了一个叫做“小小的幸福”的工作坊。在这里,我帮助收容所里的年轻孩子通过尊巴这样创意性的方式来治愈过去的创伤。我还有很多事情要做,不过对我来说,这个方向是很重要的。


[1] 原文为pandit,是印度教中的学者,他们学习梵文,印度哲学和宗教,通常也是执业牧师。

[2] 在英国殖民统治期间,红灯区等游乐场所被称为“playhouse”。后来人们根据读音和使用习惯,将类似场所称为“pila house”,文中根据语境翻译为妓院。

[3] 原文为bar dancer,在印度,dance bar意为提供成人服务的舞厅,通常是会有裸体舞者在台上表演,换取男性客人的小费。


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Taniya Yadav

Taniya Yadav

Taniya, 24 years, is a licensed Zumba instructor. She is the daughter of a sex worker and was born and raised in Kamathipura, Mumbai's largest red light area. After facing sexual abuse for years at the hands of her mother's clients, Taniya finally ran away to an NGO called Kranti. At Kranti, she got access to therapy to heal, and opportunities to pursue her dreams.Taniya teaches Zumba to children living in shelter homes to heal from their trauma, like she healed from hers.

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