Office Winhov

Missen dat je iets mist

Ik miste de trein. Maar om eerlijk te zijn, heb ik ook gemist dat ik de trein mis.
Netherlands, Western Europe

Story by Joost Backer. Translated by Jan Messchendorp
Published on 23 augustus 2021.

This story is also available in GB cn



Moederdag 2021

Ik zit op een houten bankje op station Amsterdam Amstel. Mijn shirt is nat en plakt op mijn rug: de tien minuten daarvoor heb ik hard gefietst om de trein van 10.18 uur te halen. Ik was een paar seconden te laat. Toen ik volledig buiten adem de trap naar het perron opliep, vertrok de trein tergend langzaam. Ik verwenste de trein en mezelf. En ik was boos.

 

Ik miste dus de trein. Maar om eerlijk te zijn, heb ik ook gemist dat ik de trein mis.

Meer dan een jaar lang zijn er nauwelijks externe factoren geweest die mijn leven hebben beïnvloed. Of anders gezegd, er was één enkele, reusachtige, ellendige en alomtegenwoordige externe factor die op de een of andere manier alle andere factoren heeft weggevaagd. 

Mijn leven is nog nooit zo regelmatig en voorspelbaar geweest als tijdens de pandemie. Op het werk ben ik nooit te laat voor een vergadering, want je hebt maar twee klikken nodig om van de ene naar de andere bijeenkomst te gaan. Als ik al vrienden bezoek, maak ik van tevoren een afspraak en weet ik precies waar ik heenga en wie daar aanwezig zullen zijn. Reizen doe ik nauwelijks nog – en daarom zijn er ook geen treinen die ik kan missen.

In het begin leek deze regelmaat me wel prima. Ik had controle over mijn eigen leven. Maar langzaam maar zeker ben ik verdoofd geraakt door die constante zekerheden. Bijna alles gebeurt volgens plan. Dat ik altijd weet wat ik ga doen en met wie en wanneer, begint me te vervelen. Ik besef steeds meer dat ik de controle juist wil verliezen. Dat ik niet alles van tevoren wil bedenken. Dat ik nieuw, onontgonnen terrein wil verkennen, zowel in de wereld als in mijn geest. Dat ik verrast wil worden. Dat ik compleet bezweet, boos en buiten adem wil zijn omdat er iets is gebeurd wat ik niet had gepland. Dat ik juist daardoor geïnspireerd wil raken.

Dat ik mijn trein heb gemist, heeft me een voldaan gevoel bezorgd dat ik al een tijdje niet meer had ervaren. Daardoor heb ik deze gedachten op papier kunnen zetten. Als ik niet een paar seconden te laat was geweest, had ik dat nooit gedaan. Zo belangrijk is het missen van een trein.


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Joost Backer

Joost Backer

Hey there! I'm Joost, 24 years old, from Amsterdam, Holland. What excites me? Creating songs at the piano. Going outside and play football. Reading (philosophical) novels. And above all: Getting inspired by other people's stories. By YOUR story. 

Having studied Political Economy and a bit of Anthropology, focused on Latin America, I now work as a sustainability consultant at NewForesight. 

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