Picture by Emily

Come la pandemia mi ha regalato la libertà

Questo è il mio personale resoconto di come è cambiata la mia vita durante la pandemia. O come sarebbe dovuta cambiare comunque.
Netherlands, Western Europe

Story by Emily. Translated by Daniela Pratesi
Published on July 12, 2022.

This story is also available in GB



Per iniziare, riconosco che la mia storia è scritta da una prospettiva privilegiata. La pandemia non mi ha fatto perdere la casa, gli affetti, il lavoro o la vita. Lo ammetto e riconosco di essere stata immensamente fortunata. Questo è il mio personale resoconto di come è cambiata la mia vita durante la pandemia. O come sarebbe dovuta cambiare comunque.

Dopo un anno e mezzo di lockdown, sentivo un gran desiderio di ‘ritorno alla normalità’. Per ‘normalità’, intendevo andare a prendere un drink in un bar, andare a cena al ristorante, conoscere gente nuova e vivere nuove avventure. Ma, se mi guardo indietro, anche se questi elementi rappresentavano per me la normalità e occupavano gran parte della mia vita pre-pandemia, non era questa la ‘normalità’ a cui desideravo tornare.

Ero affetta da un grave caso di FOMO, la paura di essere esclusa. Ero costantemente in cerca di nuove esperienze.

Prima del 17 marzo 2020, quando l’Olanda è entrata in lockdown, la mia vita consisteva di tutte le attività di cui sopra. Ogni sera. Nessuna esclusa. Vivevo da sola e dicevo sempre: “Mi va bene stare a casa da sola durante il giorno, pur di non restare sola la sera.” Per me, la sera era il momento di vedere gli amici, preferibilmente gli amici dei miei amici. O gli amici degli amici dei miei amici. Quanta più gente nuova possibile. Ero affetta da un grave caso di FOMO, la paura di essere esclusa. Ero costantemente in cerca di nuove esperienze. E poi ero sempre disponibile: se qualcuno chiamava, tra un impegno e l’altro riuscivo sempre a trovare tempo per chiunque. 

“Se hai bisogno di parlare con qualcuno, io ci sono,” dicevo a tutte le persone che frequentavo.

E poi …. Io e il resto del mondo siamo rimasti bloccati a casa. Due settimane di autoisolamento, un anno intero di lockdown. Eppure restavo sempre disponibile per tutti. Qualcuno aveva voglia di una videochiamata? Eccomi qua. Una passeggiata a distanza di sicurezza? Ci sto! In quel periodo, mi sono anche innamorata per la prima volta, e lo schema era lo stesso. Tutte le volte che mi cercava qualcuno, io ero disponibile. 

A causa del Covid, non potevo rifugiarmi nella folla, lontano dalle difficoltà.

Il primo amore ha anche provocato la mia prima delusione. Ero completamente KO. Soffrivo ed ero diventata piuttosto egocentrica. Non riuscivo a relazionarmi con nessuno, a parte gli amici più cari. Non avevo voglia di parlare con nessuno e stavo quindi disimparando il bisogno costante di essere disponibile. Un mese dopo, ho cominciato la terapia. Non sono andata in terapia per curare la delusione d’amore, ma mi sono comunque resa conto che questo bisogno di essere sempre disponibile influiva sulle mie relazioni. 

A causa del Covid, non potevo rifugiarmi nella folla, lontano dalle difficoltà. Era costretta a fermarmi e riflettere: riflettere sul mio comportamento, sulla mia vita passata e sulle persone che fanno parte della mia vita. Un’esperienza amplificata da quello che ho scoperto durante la terapia sui miei schemi comportamentali. 

Ne sono derivati cambiamenti piuttosto drastici. Mi sono confrontata con persone che ritenevo amiche. Ho chiesto (e ottenuto) risposte dalla persona di cui ero stata innamorata. Ho scoperto quali aspetti della mia vita avevo interiorizzato a causa delle aspettative altrui e quali appartenevano invece a me. Per esempio, mi sono data al cucito, un’arte che volevo imparare da anni ma non avevo mai avuto il coraggio di studiare, perché “gli altri probabilmente lo sapevano fare meglio di me.” 

Ho permesso a me stessa di scoprirmi. Una cosa che non avrei potuto fare se io e il resto del mondo non fossimo stati costretti a fermarci. E di questo sono grata.


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Emily

Emily

Emily is writing under a pseudonym as she'd like to stay annonymous. Emily lives in Amsterdam and works with NGOs - and is intrigued by the art sector.

 

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