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양성애자 남성들: 우리는 존재하기는 하니?

최근 성적취향 관념이 하나의 스펙트럼이라는 것을 받아들이면서, 양성애자 남성들이 심지어 우리의 존재를 방어할 필요성까지 있다는 사실은 2020년에 매우 기이한 것으로 보인다.

Story by Hal Fulcher. Translated by by Veronica Burgstaller
Australia, Oceania
Published on Thursday, 5. March 2020

Reading time: 2 minutes 30 seconds.

This story is also available in GB br de it nl



양성애자가 되는 것이 쉽지 않았다. 내가 13살에 '바이섹슈얼'이라는 용어를 처음 들었을 때, 즉시 깨달음의 순간이 오는 것이였다. 그러나 동시에 나는 그 생각을 강하게 거부했다. "나는 수학 수업의 크리스틴을 좋아해, 난 이성애자야." 나는 나 자신에게 말했다. 물론 내가 매력을 느끼는 반의 모든 남자들을 생각하지 않기 위해서. 

나는 호주의 작고 꽤 동성애 혐오적인 마을에서 자랐으며, 이 양육은 내가 남자들에게 가졌던 매력에 대한 수년 간 거부감을 형성했다. 주위의 친구들이 사귀기 시작하는 동안 나는  사춘기가 시작되기 전에 삶이 정상으로 돌아오기를 바라면서 성적취향조차 없는 척하기 위해 최선을 다하고 있었다. "아마도 내가 해리포터를 10번 읽고 아무 문제 없는 것처럼 행동한다면 나는 내 고등학교 시절을 평화롭게 보낼 수 있겠지." 2003년의 내적 독백이였다.

20대 초반이 되어서야 나는 먼저 나 자신에게, 그 다음에는 다른 사람들에게 내가 양성애자라는 것을 인정할 수 있을 만큼 자신감이 생겼다. 커밍 아웃 후 상황은 확실히 좋아졌고 부담을 줄여 줬지만, 양성애자가 되는 것은 관계를 맺을 때에는 그리고 내 동료들이 나를 받아들일 때는 여전히 개인적인 장애있다. 때때로 나는 이것이 나의 소도시 양육에서 비롯된 결과인지 궁금하다. 그러나 나는 22살 때 호주를 떠났고 그 이후로 여러 유럽의 편견 거의 없는 수도들에서 살아왔다. 하지만, 가끔 내가 양성애자임을 누군가에게 말한 후 눈살을  찌푸리기는 것과 불신은 계속해서 나를 놀라게 한다. 과거에 이성애자 여성들은 내가 동성애자라는 이유로 나를 거부했거나, 동성애자 남성들은 내가 결국 여자를 위해 그들을 버릴 것이라고 주장하기도 했다.

이성애자나 동성애자의 사회 중 어느 쪽에도 속하지 않는다는 이런 인식이 미국진보센터의 (Center for American Progress) 2018년 보고서를 설명할 수 있을 것이다. 이 보고서는 양성애자들이 이성애자와 동성애자들보다 사회적이고 건강적인 면에서 더 불리하다는 것을 발견했다. 예컨대, 동성애자들이 이성애자보다 가난한 생활을 할 가능성이 두 배나 높은 반면, 그 수치는 양성애자 남성들에게 두 배나 되는 것이다. 특히 Movement Advancement Project의 2016년 연구에 따르면, 양성애자가 성소수자 사회에서 (LGTB community) 52%를 차지하는 것을 고려하면 더욱 그렇다. 하지만 우리 또한 가장 눈에 띄지 않는처럼 보인다. 양성애자 바과 지원단체는 어디에 있는가? 그런 것들이 분명히 없다.

가장 나쁜 것은 사람들이 내 성정체성이 존재한다고 믿지 않을 때다. 2월 24일까지만 해도 트위터에서 세계적으로 유행하는 주제가 있었다: #BisexualMenExist. 이를 통해 양성애자들은 우리가 나니아 북쪽 어딘가에 살고 있는 허구적이거나 상상의 존재라는 오랫동안 지켜온 믿음들을 반박했다.

최근 성적취향 관념이 하나의 스펙트럼이라는 것을 받아들이면서, 양성애자 남성들이 심지어 우리의 존재를 방어할 필요성까지 있다는 사실은 2020년에 매우 기이한 것으로 보인다.

이와는 대조적으로, 양성애자 여성들은 그들의 성정체성을 증명할 때 같은 문제에 직면하지 않는 것 같다. 아마도 이는 이성애자들이 . 애국사회가 두 여성이 성적인 관계를 두 여성이 성적인 관계를 갖면서 여전히 남성의 관심을 원하는 것에 대한 생각을 가지고 있기 때문일 것이다. 그러나 두 남자가 함께 있는 것은 이성애자 남성의 욕망을 충족시키지 못하기 때문에 두 남자는 분명히 100% 동성애자다. 내 말은, 어느 누구도 100%로 하나의 정체성이나 반대 정체성만 있니? 이 젠더 이분법이 나를 혼란스럽게 하고 나는 솔직히 그것을 결코 이해하지 못할 것이다.

내가 양성애자 남성의 존재가 때때로 문제시된다고 생각하는 또 다른 이유는 TV와 대중매체에서 우리에 대한 묘사의 부족이다. 여보시요!!! 우리는 어디에 있는가? 호주에서 자라면서 어떤 형태의 묘사든 전혀 없었다.

다행스럽게도 이것과 다른 퀴어 정체성의 표현과 함께 변화하기 시작하고 있다. 플랫폼은 점점 더 그들의 프로그램에서 다양한 성정체성 보여주고 있다.

마지막으로, 양성애자 남성들은 존재하는가? 어, ... 네. 우리는 가끔 열외 취급을 받고 있고 보이지 않는 존재처럼 취급되는가? - 그것 역시 그렇다. 하지만 상황은 점점 나아지고 있다.


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Hal Fulcher

Hal Fulcher

Hal Fulcher accidentally shoplifted this scarf moments before this photo was taken. Upon realizing his mistake, he was too embarrassed to reenter the shop and instead enjoyed its warmth for several weeks before losing it at a cafe in Venice. He is 30-years-old, studied a Master in International Studies on Media, Power, and Difference at Universitat Pompeu Fabra in Barcelona and is currently enjoying the Manchester music scene. 

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