Dumbfounded, silent and small - Silverton, NSW, Australia - Jemina Shrestha

Avustralya’da bir Parya

Dışadönük benliğim, insanlarla sohbet etmeye başlamam için bana yalvarıyordu, ama çoğunlukla sessiz kaldım.

Story by Jemina Shrestha. Translated by Büşra Çavundur
Australia, Australia and New Zealand
Published on November 1, 2020

Reading time: 3 minutes

This story is also available in GB es



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2017'de, Nepal'den yeni gelen bir transfer öğrencisi olarak Sidney'de üniversitedeki ilk dersime girdim. Sınıfı tedirgin gözlerle tararken, "İngilizce bizim ikinci dilimiz" ekibine ait gibi görünen birkaç öğrenci daha gördüm.

"Tamam, harika Jem," dedim kendi kendime, "buradaki tek uluslararası öğrenci sen değilsin." Ders zorunlu kendini tanıtma kısmıyla başladı. Asyalı kardeşlerim ağızlarını açıp, ancak 6 ayda alışabildiğim tipik Avustralya aksanıyla konuşmaya başladığında anksiyete tüm vücudumu sardı. Sınıftaki tek uluslararası öğrenci bendim. Kendimi tanıtırken gerginlikten anlamsızca mırıldanıyordum, bu yüzden adımın Jemina değil Gemima olduğunu sandılar. Onları düzeltecek cesaretim yoktu. Böylece, bütün bir dönem boyunca adım Gemima’ydı. "En azından artık batılı bir adım var," diye düşündüm hayali bir kayanın altına sığınarak.

O dönem, dört farklı bölümden dört ders aldım. Bu yüzden hiçbir zaman devamlı sınıf arkadaşlarım olmadı. Üniversiteye ikinci yılımda katıldığımdan sınıf arkadaşlarımın zaten kendi grupları vardı. Dışadönük benliğim, bana hiç benzemeyen ve mükemmel İngilizcesi ve mantıksal düşünüş tarzlarıyla "çok havalı" görünen bu insanlarla sohbet etmeye başlamam için bana yalvardı, ama endişeli benliğim bağırmaya devam etti: "Ya konuşma tarzım yüzünden beni yargılarlarsa? Aman Tanrım, kıyafetlerimle 2000'lerin Hannah Montana’sıyım."

"Yeterince iyi miyim?" diye sürekli kendimi sorgulamak beni duygusal olarak tüketiyordu. Kendime olan güvenim yok oldu. Çoğunlukla sessiz kaldım. Soru sormadım ve sınıfın en göze çarpmayan bölümünde oturdum: ortada. Orada, öndeki profesörlerin sorgulayıcı bakışlarından kaçındım ve isyankar sorularıyla arka sıralarda oturan havalı öğrencilerden uzak durdum.

Ama bir gün çok geç kaldım ve tanımadığım bir kızın yanında müsait olan son yere oturdum. Koştuğum için içimde bir dopamin patlaması oldu ve yanımdaki kızla düşünmeden sohbet etmeye başladım. Kız gerçekten de şakalarıma güldü ve cevap verdi! "Durun! Zeki, güzel bir Avustralyalı şakalarıma güldü. İngilizce mırıltılarım ona mantıklı geliyor mu? Düşündüğüm kadar aptal değil miyim? "

"Aptal değil"den daha fazlasıymışım meğer. Çabalayarak kendimi, güvensizliklerimin yarattığı minik çemberin dışına ittim. Amfilerde yanımda oturan bir veya iki kişiyle rahatça konuşmaya başladım. Sonra, profesör soru sorduğunda yavaş yavaş herkesin önünde konuşma cesaretini topladım. Kalbim titriyordu ve kulaklarımda attığını duyabiliyordum ama yine de konuşmak için ayağa kalkıyordum. Yargılanma korkumun sadece hayal gücümde var olduğunu anlamaya başladım. Çoğu insan nasıl konuştuğumu, giyindiğimi veya davrandığımı umursamıyordu. Hatta bazıları bakış açımı ilginç buluyordu.

Negatif düşüncelerim, ben ve "diğerleri" arasında sahte bir sınır oluşturdu. Aylarca kendimi dışladım. Kendimi bir parya yaptım.

Sevgili okuyucu, umarım hikayem o sohbeti başlatmanıza, fikirlerinizi en belirgin aksanınızla paylaşmanıza ve en önemlisi, kendiniz olmanıza yardımcı olur. Buna değer.


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Jemina Shrestha

Jemina Shrestha

I am a human being who gets caught up in human doing a lot and I am working my way to find that balance between being and doing. I recently graduated with an undergraduate degree in Environmental Management and am looking forward to getting my Graduate degree. I absolutely love yoga, hiking, and taking myself out to explore the best cafes in the cities I visit. I work as a part -time barista and receptionist, and I thoroughly enjoy the experience of meeting people from all walks of life.

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