Dumbfounded, silent and small - Silverton, NSW, Australia - Jemina Shrestha

Pária na Oceania

O meu eu extrovertido me implorava para conversar, mas, na maior parte do tempo, eu estava quieta.
Australia, Australia and New Zealand

Story by Jemina Shrestha. Translated by Joana Fedato
Published on November 1, 2020.

This story is also available in GB es tr



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Em 2017, entrei na minha primeira aula na universidade em Sydney, como uma aluna recém-transferida do Nepal. Ao examinar a sala de aula de uma forma nervosa e ansiosa, vi alguns outros estudantes que pareciam pertencer ao grupo "o inglês é nossa segunda língua". 

"Ok, ótimo Jem", eu disse para mim mesma, "você não é a única estudante estrangeira aqui". A aula começou direto com uma introdução obrigatória. A ansiedade percorreu mais forte pelo meu corpo quando meus parceiros asiáticos abriram a boca e começaram a falar com um típico sotaque australiano, que me levou 6 meses para me acostumar. Eu era portanto a única estudante internacional da classe. Minha ansiedade transformou minha aula de introdução em um murmúrio incômodo, até que então eles começaram a pensar que meu nome era Gemima e não Jemina. E eu não tive coragem de corrigi-los. Assim, durante um semestre inteiro, eu era Gemima. "Bem, pelo menos agora tenho um nome ocidental", pensei, rastejando para baixo de uma rocha imaginária.

Nesse semestre, participei de quatro matérias em quatro departamentos diferentes. Por isso, nunca estava com as mesmas pessoas. Quando eu entrei na faculdade no segundo ano, meus colegas de classe já tinham formado seus grupos próprios. O meu eu extrovertido me implorava para conversar com esses seres humanos que não se pareciam nada comigo e pareciam "tão legais" com seu inglês perfeito e pensamento lógico. Mas o meu eu ansioso continuava gritando "E se eles me julgarem pela maneira como eu falo?" ou "OMG, minha roupa está dando às pessoas anos 2000 Hannah Montana vibes".

Me questionar constantemente se eu era boa o suficiente era  desgastante emocionalmente. Minha autoconfiança sumiu. Na maior parte do tempo, eu estava quieta. Não fazia perguntas e me sentava no lugar mais discreto da sala de aula: no meio. Lá tentei evitar o olhar questionador direto dos professores vindo da frente e me afastei das pessoas legais dos bancos de trás com suas perguntas rebeldes.

Mas um dia, eu estava muito atrasada e me sentei no último lugar que tinha, ao lado de uma garota que eu não conhecia. Toda a corrida liberou uma explosão de dopamina em mim e eu comecei uma conversa sem pensar. A garota realmente riu das minhas piadas e me respondeu também! Eu pensei: "Espere aí! Uma australiana inteligente e bonita acabou de rir das minhas piadas. Meu burburinho em inglês faz sentido para ela? Não sou tão burra quanto eu pensava"?

Acontece que eu era mais do que apenas "não burra". Com o trabalho, me empurrei para fora do minúsculo círculo em que minhas inseguranças me cercavam. Comecei a falar livremente com uma ou duas pessoas sentadas ao meu lado na sala de aula. Então, pouco a pouco, ganhei coragem para falar na frente de todos quando o professor me perguntou a minha opinião. Meu coração tremia, e eu podia ouvi-lo bater, mas mesmo assim me levantei para falar. Comecei a perceber que meu medo de ser julgada existia apenas na minha imaginação. A maioria das pessoas não se importava como eu falava, me vestia ou me comportava. Algumas até acharam a minha perspectiva interessante.

Meus pensamentos negativos criaram uma falsa barreira entre eu e os "outros". Durante meses, eu mesma me excluí. Fiz de mim mesma uma pária.

Caro leitor, espero que minha história te ajude a iniciar uma conversa, a compartilhar sua opinião no seu melhor sotaque e, o mais importante, a ser você. Isso vale a pena.


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Jemina Shrestha

Jemina Shrestha

I am a human being who gets caught up in human doing a lot and I am working my way to find that balance between being and doing. I recently graduated with an undergraduate degree in Environmental Management and am looking forward to getting my Graduate degree. I absolutely love yoga, hiking, and taking myself out to explore the best cafes in the cities I visit. I work as a part -time barista and receptionist, and I thoroughly enjoy the experience of meeting people from all walks of life.

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