选美皇后的备忘录

我真的需要和他人不断竞争去做那个“最有价值的”人吗?我大声地说不是。
Australia, Oceania

Story by Jemina Shrestha. Translated by Lina Bell
Published on January 16, 2023.

This story is also available in GB ar de it tr



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免责声明:本文仅记录个人经历,无意冒犯任何人或评判任何人的人生。本文是对我体悟到的个人值得铭记的和需要遗忘的事物的总结。

序章: 我参加了澳大利亚举办的选美比赛。获胜者会直接获得另一场更出名的选美比赛的参赛名额,人们说那场比赛一定让你“大出风头”。经过几个月的深夜训练,彩排,崩溃,比赛结束了。仿佛命中注定一般,我赢了。

后记: 我拒绝了直升机会,也没有去参加另一场选美比赛。

论述: 经历了一些可怕的事情之后,在2019年底,我下决心要证明自己人生的意义。有一位朋友给我推荐了一个选美比赛。我就从网上投了申请,准备了我最好看的服装(当然要有高跟鞋)并参加了面试。跨国留学是很辛苦的一件事,我需要做一份业余工作来补贴支出,现在又增加了一笔额外的旅行花销,还有买衣服和首饰的钱。幸运的是,我的工作允许我追求这样的生活,我身边的人也都很支持我。我在选美比赛中取得了前五名的成绩。

比赛:开始训练的时候,我感觉到自己性格中的缺陷开始爆发出来。我下意识地无法相信教练夸奖我的话,而且还会在别人做出优美的动作的时候打自己。我知道这些可能只是小事。但是媒体的宣传和社会的氛围让我觉得只有当第一名才有价值。所以我就咬牙坚持,带着负罪感继续比赛,把不适的情绪藏在心里。

胜利:决赛那天,我口干舌燥,精疲力竭。但是我还是保持着微笑,因为这是一个选美皇后应该做的事。从颁奖人员把皇冠带到我的头上,到赛后庆祝的时候,我一直处在一种清醒地做梦的状态中。一切都让我觉得很不真实。我以为只要我得到这个头衔,我就会成为重要的人。看到家人为我骄傲我当然也很高兴,但是我的心里总有一部分觉得自己是一个仿冒者。

反思:澳大利亚在新冠疫情开始七天后颁布了社交距离令。我失去了工作,所以我有了更多的时间来思考我的冒名顶替者综合征。我问自己:我真的需要和其他人竞争来感受自己的价值吗?我是真的为了自身的发展而参加比赛还是仅仅需要一件事来让自己膨胀一下呢?这真的是我想要的吗?

拒绝:我注视着镜子,镜中的自己大声地说出了答案:“不”。那天我在心中做出决定。我相信我有价值,我是很好的人,我很美丽,不需要做任何额外的事去证明。这场选美比赛就像是我从不知道自己想要什么的阶段到了解自己的阶段之间的一次旅行,也正因如此,我会永远感激这次选美比赛。 

接受:《你是个狠角色》的作者珍·辛西罗在书中写了一句简洁但有力的话:“你是现在和曾经存在过的唯一的你。”我认为仅仅是这一点就值得庆祝。所以请放手做事,真诚地、狂热地、深深地热爱自己。


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Jemina Shrestha

Jemina Shrestha

I am a human being who gets caught up in human doing a lot and I am working my way to find that balance between being and doing. I recently graduated with an undergraduate degree in Environmental Management and am looking forward to getting my Graduate degree. I absolutely love yoga, hiking, and taking myself out to explore the best cafes in the cities I visit. I work as a part -time barista and receptionist, and I thoroughly enjoy the experience of meeting people from all walks of life.

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